Jabba's Pomegranate Breeze Wine Coolers
by LadyIce13
Summary: After a long day at work, Kylo Ren just wants to come home and have a beer. Unfortunately, Rey drank all of his beer. Follow Kylo on his adventure as he goes to the local cantina in search of a drink. This is total crack. I hope you get a laugh.


Being an evil space lord isn't as easy as it sounds. It takes planning, effort and dedication. It's not some nine to five cubicle job where you just clock in and clock out, leaving your problems at the office when it's time to leave. You're always on call. You never know when there might be an insurgence you have to respond to or a rowdy bunch of rebels need to be exterminated. Sometimes a village needs to be burned down and that doesn't always fall between "normal business hours." However, some days you get lucky and you do get to put in a regular eight hour day where you cover military strategy, even if it's your foul ginger haired nemesis you're dealing with. Today was one of those rare days for Kylo Ren.

Returning from his planning session with General Hux, Kylo Ren made his way to the kitchen in the quarters he shared with Rey. He took his mask off with its customary hiss and placed it on the table in the middle of the room. He opened the refrigerator to grab one of the imported beers he had been thinking about all day but to his dismay, they were gone. Every single one of them was gone, only the packaging remained. "REY!"

Rey came into the kitchen, drying her hands with a towel, "Yes?"

"Where is my Cloud City pale ale?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I drank it."

"But you have four bottles of Jabba's Pomegranate Breeze wine coolers in here," he pointed to the pink bottles in the refrigerator.

She shrugged, "I wanted a couple beers instead. I didn't know you were saving them for a special occasion. Just go buy some more."

Kylo started to say something, but just stopped and dropped the arm he was pointing with. "I specially ordered those off of the Holonet. I can't just go buy some more."

"Oh," Rey said. "I'm really sorry. I didn't realize…"

"It's ok," he interrupted. "You didn't know."

"So just drink the wine coolers," she said. "They're really good!"

Kylo looked at her as if she had suggested he eat cat shit, "You're kidding, right? You want the Master of the Knights of Ren to drink... _a wine cooler_?"

"Whoa, whoa, settle down, junior," she said while laughing. "Reign in the Dark Side. It was just a suggestion."

"You're not funny," he mumbled as he shut the refrigerator door. "I'm going to go out for a beer, if you don't mind."

"Is the Master Knight of Ren asking for permission to go out?" Rey cocked her eyebrow at him.

He flashed her the dirtiest look he could muster, "At least I have the courtesy to let you know I'm leaving."

"Drinking your beer makes you really grouchy. I've learned my lesson," Rey knew she shouldn't poke fun at him but he was so easy to get worked up sometimes, she just couldn't help it.

Kylo picked up his mask and gently pushed past her to go to the hallway that led to their bedroom so he could change. He obviously couldn't go out dressed in his everyday attire of his robe, tunic, leather pants and such. He clearly couldn't go out with his mask on. With all of that garb he was extremely easy to recognize and that would only bring him trouble. Trouble he didn't need. He changed into a simple short sleeved black shirt and black trousers but still wore his black boots. He clipped his lightsaber to his belt and went through their quarters to find Rey in the living room, watching the Holonet.

Looking up when he came in, she said, "Well, aren't you sexy when you dress normal?"

He shook his head at her, "You drink my beer and give me hell. And I spent all day with Hux. Is it any wonder I burn villages?"

Standing up, she walked over to him and unclipped his lightsaber from his belt, "If you're trying to not draw attention to yourself, don't you think you ought to leave this at home?"

"Habit. Grab me that blaster and belt out of the closet. I'm not going out unarmed."

"Nor should you," she said as she gathered the requested items and handed them to him. "Now stay out of trouble. I don't want to tell the Supreme Leader you need bail money."

"I never thought to ask if you want to go with me."

Rey laughed, "Uh, no. I have plans with Phasma. It's girls night."

"Oh. Ok," Kylo wasn't aware there was a girls night in the First Order. He gave her a quick kiss. "I'll see you later then."

"Don't wait up," she winked and gave him a playful grin. Kylo shook his head at her again, something he did quite often actually and headed out of the door. He made his way to where his speeder was parked and headed for town. He had heard some of the Stormtroopers talking about a cantina called Luvinot's. It was on the edge of town, close to the base so he figured it was as good as any other to go to. He arrived and parked his speeder out front, then headed inside.

It wasn't terribly busy as it was a work night, but there was still a decent crowd. No one paid any attention to the tall man dressed in all black as he made his way to the bar to order a drink. Kylo sat down on a stool near a table with about ten raucous Stormtroopers behind him, well into their drinks and meals.

The bartender approached Kylo, "What can I get you?"

"Do you have any imports?"

The bartender looked at him like he was speaking Shyriiwook, "Does this look like a place that has imports?"

"Do you want me to be insulting?" Kylo growled. His social skills were never the greatest. "Just give me whatever you have on tap."

"I've got bottles and cans. Pick one, buddy."

"I don't care. Just give me one."

The bartender reached under the bar and uncapped a bottle, placing it front of Kylo, "You're not from around here, are you?"

"No, no I'm not," he replied, taking a drink of the beer. _This is absolute swill,_ he thought.

"You sound like you're from the Core."

Kylo tilted his head, "I am. How did you know?"

"Your snooty accent," the bartender walked off.

"Asshole," Kylo muttered under his breath. What snooty accent? He was only half royalty. His head automatically turned when he heard his name.

"And Kylo Ren? What about THAT bastard?" a roar of laughter came from the Stormtroopers behind him. "What is the deal with that guy?"

"Eights, weren't you there that one time he flipped out and trashed the control panel for the radar?"

"Oh yea," Eights replied, "It would have been scary if it wasn't so fucking funny!" They all started laughing again.

 _What the fuck?_ Kylo thought.

"What did people start calling him after that? Darth Tantrum?" More laughter.

 _Darth Tantrum! What in the actual fuck!_ Kylo could feel his ears turning red as his anger grew. He guzzled down his beer in one drink.

"Do you guys ever wonder what he looks like under that mask?"

"Dude, I don't know, but I bet it's hideous. Why else would he wear a mask? If he was good looking, he wouldn't want to hide it. I bet he looks like Snoke's ass!"

"Or the back end of a bantha!" Their laughter was so loud it drowned out all of the other noises in the bar.

"Well, he can't be that ugly, can he? You've seen the chick he's banging." All of them gave whistles and appreciative noises. "If he's that ugly, what does she see in him?"

"I don't know, but she sure is fine," said the one called Eights.

"She doesn't have much in the tit department, but that ass, damn!"

Kylo slammed his fist down on the bar, luckily only drawing the attention of the bartender. His entire face was flaming red and he looked like he wanted to kill someone, which he actually did want to kill someone. Ten someones.

"Well if he looks like the back end of a bantha, maybe he's hung like a bantha?"

"YEA RIGHT!" The loudest laughter yet erupted from the Stormtroopers.

Kylo slammed his fist down on the bar, even harder this time. The bartender walked over to Kylo. "Are you ok, buddy?"

"I am just fine," Kylo enunciated each word very clearly.

"Remember that time he killed 727 for no reason?" They table grew silent for a moment. Eights raised his glass to the ceiling. "This is for you, 727!" The other 'Troopers shouted and raised their glasses in agreement. "He probably stomps on womp rats just for fun."

"Dude, check this one though! I heard Jabba the Hutt kidnapped his mom one time and put her in a slave bikini and she looked mad hot…" They all started hooting and whistling.

" _THAT'S ENOUGH!"_ Kylo bellowed as he stood up from his stool and went over to their table. "I'll have you know that Kylo Ren was just having a bad day when he trashed that radar panel, he's very handsome, he looks NOTHING like Snoke's _ass_ , his girlfriend loves him because he's sensitive and appreciates her. He loves small animals and even children, except for the ones that have been burnt in villages but collateral damage happens in war. We can't avoid it." He pointed at them with each sentence he spoke. "And yeah. That's about it."

The Stormtroopers were silent as he walked away, heading for the door. Before leaving, he turned around once more and said, "And, YES, he IS hung like a bantha!" He then walked out of the bar.

The ride back to the base seemed much longer than the ride there. As she predicted, Rey was not there when Kylo arrived at their quarters. Out of sheer desperation, he cracked open one of her wine coolers. He took a sip and hated to admit it, but it was quite good. He took another drink as the buzzer for the door went off. He didn't bother to ask through the comm who it was and just opened the door, not really thinking. Before him stood General Hux, with a bemused look on his face.

"I wanted to see if you wanted to get a drink, Ren, but I see you've already started. Jabba's Pomegranate Breeze?" Hux couldn't even say it without laughing.

"Fuck you, Hux," Kylo said as he pressed the button for the door to shut and walked away.


End file.
